On friendship
I wonder if there is a formula for friendship, some hidden algorithm that causes everything to fall into place. Is that reading too much into what is possibly a chemical reaction? Why do we hit it off with some people but not with others? Why do we think we have hit it off with others but later come to find out that this is not the case?
Is it a cultural issue? Do different cultures define friendship via different parameters? I ask because in the 3 years that I have lived in New York, I have made and abandoned more friendships than I did in the 7 previous years living in London. This is quite an alarming attrition rate for someone who considers herself a reasonable judge of character. This disturbing trend forced me to question whether I was the one with the issues, however having since resolved the problem by editing my friendship roster I am forced to concede that it is not that simple.
Examining the 3 years in retrospect, I have come to believe that my cultural theory just might carry more weight than I had initially realised. I have come to believe that the African definition of friendship differs greatly from the European or American concept. I am well aware that this is a massive generalisation, and I am sure that there must be exceptions to the rule...but based on my daily observations, Africans have different expectations from a friendship than our European or American counterparts. I have had several serial "really close friends" in the last few years, people with whom I achieved a level of closeness that I assumed signalled a strong bond. I have never been so wrong in my life! What is disturbing about the dissolution of these friendships is that they have not exploded in passionate rage over an insurmountable disagreement, they have simply withered and died.
The most recent example has been dying slowly for over a year now, but came to a screeching halt recently when I recognised how unhealthy it was. I had a friend who I was really close to, and we bonded when we were both not so happy. Oddly enough however, the happier I got and the better things were going for me, the more distant she became. I found it quite hard to believe that any kind of close friend could have that attitude, but the evidence is irrefutable and I am forced to put the final nail in that coffin.
This is a problem for me however, as I have no intention of deciding how close to get to people based on ethnicity. It is a problem that I have no solution to, any ideas?
Is it a cultural issue? Do different cultures define friendship via different parameters? I ask because in the 3 years that I have lived in New York, I have made and abandoned more friendships than I did in the 7 previous years living in London. This is quite an alarming attrition rate for someone who considers herself a reasonable judge of character. This disturbing trend forced me to question whether I was the one with the issues, however having since resolved the problem by editing my friendship roster I am forced to concede that it is not that simple.
Examining the 3 years in retrospect, I have come to believe that my cultural theory just might carry more weight than I had initially realised. I have come to believe that the African definition of friendship differs greatly from the European or American concept. I am well aware that this is a massive generalisation, and I am sure that there must be exceptions to the rule...but based on my daily observations, Africans have different expectations from a friendship than our European or American counterparts. I have had several serial "really close friends" in the last few years, people with whom I achieved a level of closeness that I assumed signalled a strong bond. I have never been so wrong in my life! What is disturbing about the dissolution of these friendships is that they have not exploded in passionate rage over an insurmountable disagreement, they have simply withered and died.
The most recent example has been dying slowly for over a year now, but came to a screeching halt recently when I recognised how unhealthy it was. I had a friend who I was really close to, and we bonded when we were both not so happy. Oddly enough however, the happier I got and the better things were going for me, the more distant she became. I found it quite hard to believe that any kind of close friend could have that attitude, but the evidence is irrefutable and I am forced to put the final nail in that coffin.
This is a problem for me however, as I have no intention of deciding how close to get to people based on ethnicity. It is a problem that I have no solution to, any ideas?
posted by Monef at 6:06 PM
5 Comments:
Look for the dibia immediately you strike friendship with anyone and drag such person to go take an oath never to dump your friendship. LOL
Understanding people more and liking them for who they are should do the trick.
Yeah i second what anthony is saying.
I just rather make casual friends now.
Been a long time
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Nice blog. Interesting thoughts. I did a blog posting on a similar subject recently. Please see:
http://notesfromnaija.blogspot.com/2006/10/lost-art-of-friendship.html#links
I dont think there is any formula for friendship...but yes, if you have a pleasant personality...u can definitely make friens anywhere n everywhere
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