No Longer At Ease
Whoever said you can't go home, I am finally starting to accept that maybe they were onto something.
Perhaps it is the five year threshold that is proving to be more powerful than I would have thought. For the first time, I feel ill at ease in a city that I have long considered more of my home than anywhere else. It all just seems very foreign. Not the streets, or the people, but I have lost that ease that one usually has when you know exactly how things work. The familiarity that always greets me when I set foot in London eludes me this time.
It isn't frightening or even upsetting, it is just strange. To have to think really hard about what typical procedures are, it just doesn't come naturally anymore to do things the British way. There are all these little signs that tell me that I am struggling to hold on to something that doesn't really belong to me anymore. I am now firmly planted on the outside looking in. Still enchanted by London, but not really feeling a part of it.
Since I arrived in the UK over a week ago, I have had scores of people ask me what part of America I am from. They tell me I have an American twang tempered by a soft British accent. For some reason this makes me sad, I feel as though it should be the other way round. I find myself straining to hear my speech patterns even as I am engaging in conversation which makes for some very awkward encounters. In a bid to demonstrate my 'britishness', I can feel myself softening the flatness of my vowels, rounding my o's more deliberately. Much the way someone fresh off the boat would attempt to fake an accent to belong. This is what it has come to.
Will it always be this way? Or will I simply accept my fate as a global citizen, destined to belong nowhere in particular but feeling comfortable enough to be anywhere? I really don't know.
Perhaps it is the five year threshold that is proving to be more powerful than I would have thought. For the first time, I feel ill at ease in a city that I have long considered more of my home than anywhere else. It all just seems very foreign. Not the streets, or the people, but I have lost that ease that one usually has when you know exactly how things work. The familiarity that always greets me when I set foot in London eludes me this time.
It isn't frightening or even upsetting, it is just strange. To have to think really hard about what typical procedures are, it just doesn't come naturally anymore to do things the British way. There are all these little signs that tell me that I am struggling to hold on to something that doesn't really belong to me anymore. I am now firmly planted on the outside looking in. Still enchanted by London, but not really feeling a part of it.
Since I arrived in the UK over a week ago, I have had scores of people ask me what part of America I am from. They tell me I have an American twang tempered by a soft British accent. For some reason this makes me sad, I feel as though it should be the other way round. I find myself straining to hear my speech patterns even as I am engaging in conversation which makes for some very awkward encounters. In a bid to demonstrate my 'britishness', I can feel myself softening the flatness of my vowels, rounding my o's more deliberately. Much the way someone fresh off the boat would attempt to fake an accent to belong. This is what it has come to.
Will it always be this way? Or will I simply accept my fate as a global citizen, destined to belong nowhere in particular but feeling comfortable enough to be anywhere? I really don't know.
Labels: london
posted by Monef at 4:26 PM
6 Comments:
I like the title of this one, Monef.
How long were you in the US? How long before that were you in the UK? I don't think you have anything to worry about though; the only reason you feel out of place is because the usual things are not in the usual places. That's all.
You'll be back to The British Way in no time.
Dear monef,
A random google search for adesoye college turned up your blog.
I bore a growing, yet gnawing pain in my belly while I tried to decipher who it was who had such similar experiences to mine, while simultaneously swaying under the waves of nostalgia.
It was the thumbnail pix at the bottom that finally did it!
I am smitten, Monef.
And that post titled, "Things fall apart"? Hun, reading it sounded the death knell of an afternoon at work. Memories flooding back over-ran whatever deadlines I had.
Monef, you are not a writer in the making.
You were born a writer.
warm thots,
(and thanks for those lusciously delicious arguments in Miss Grosvalds' literature classes. I will never forget them)
Ayodeji Audu
ayo_audu@yahoo.ca
@fred - I am only in the UK for a month before heading back to the US, so I'm whinging about nothing. I moved to the US 5 years ago, I just didn't really expect to stop feeling at home in blighty.
@ayo -what a lovely blast from the past. Thanks for you wondrful comments. Who doesn't miss Grozie' classes? I don't think I realised at the time just how much I enjoyed them! I'll catch up via email. Cheers.
wonderful post. Enjoy your time in the UK.
Happy new year!
I think you're possibly suffering from a mild attack of Jamais vu!!!
London is the melting-pot of the world, and the bubbles and vortices of this chaotic activity move into different random patterns very quickly. However, the strange attractor that sits at the centre of this seething mass will always draw you back.
Have a great 2009.
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