10 Things That Irritate The Shit Out Of Me
A few months ago, I wrote a post titled ’10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me’. I really enjoyed writing it, and it has been one of my favourites so far, in fact I think I learned more about myself writing it than my blog audience did. As such, I have decided to come up with a regular ‘10 things’ feature. I would like to say I would do this on a weekly basis, but as my blog faithful know, I can less than…erm..*cough*..prolific. So although I will aim for a list per week, this might not always be the case. This list is about things that get on my last nerve, enjoy
1. Slow-mo pedestrians during rush hour. Whenever I get caught behind one of these people, I can feel the rage start to build within me till it comes to a slow boil and I have to physically restrain myself to stop from screaming ‘GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!’. Tough life having to commute in NYC.
2. Flagrant abuse of whipped cream. Since moving to New York, I have been forced to learn the hard way that when someone asks if you want whipped cream with something, the correct answer is always no. To reply otherwise will always result in the utter obliteration of whatever you are attempting to ingest. I tried being slick and asking for just a little whipped cream on my frappuccino, but apparently this translates to 1/10 coffee and a massive gushing fountain of whipped cream that cannot be controlled. Moral of the story: Just Say No.
3. Cultural snobs. I get really aggravated when people look down their noses and laugh knowingly as I pull out my copy of Harry Potter and settle in to read. They sit back with a smug expression on their faces giving me the ‘poor thing, she obviously doesn’t know any better’ look. For your information, I know more than enough not to deny my self the pleasure of reading or listening to just about anything that takes my fancy. I know just as much DH Lawrence as JK Rowling, so don’t feel sorry for me. I am enjoying myself a damn sight more than you are at this moment in time.
4. Smug Married Nigerian Women. I have nothing against married people, in fact I intend to join the ranks of the normal variety someday, but these are not the folks to whom I make reference. I am referring to those bizarre women who are not much older than me that walk into a room and survey the single girls with a pitying stare while clinging for dear the life to their husband’s arm as he proceeds to spend the whole evening with his eyes firmly glued to my derriere. Should I then be so foolish as to attempt to engage one of these insipid dishrags in conversation, she will invariably ask, “Are you engaged?” When I shake my head to indicate that I am not she will always come out with the words that she has been dying to say since she first walked in, “Don’t worry, just have patience and your time will come. One day maybe you will be as lucky as I am.” Thanks, but no thanks lovie….how about you keep your lecherous ogre and I’ll keep my lunch in my stomach? Cheers.
5. Men who take up half of my seat on the Subway. Anatomy or not, there is no reason to sit with your legs so far apart. You are practically in the lotus position for crying out loud, and the last time I checked the subway car does not double as your yoga mat. Coming to think of it, I noticed that your subway fare was exactly the same as mine not 50% higher.
6. Trousers that don’t talk to shoes. It was a tough call between this one and Visible Panty Line, but the trousers won out because I am not sure how anyone can fail to notice how diabolical this looks. Fair enough, it takes a two-way mirror for those who refuse to embrace the thong to understand the impact of that V staring at the whole world. But all you have to do with the trousers is look down. They are not even close to touching your shoes!! They are exposing white socks!!! Hello? Horrific! Plus VPL at least provides a source of entertainment; the trousers sadly just make me want to cry.
7. Rude waiters who get upset when my tip is paltry. I have moaned about this in the past, so no need to go into too much detail. I maintain that in my book, a tip has a zero beginning point and goes up depending on the level of service you provide. I tip excellently for excellent service, well for good and what is expected for mediocre. If I get very bad service from you and you are rude, then your tip will be paltry. If you want a good tip then don’t be rude. My money does not exist purely for the express purpose of paying your rent; you have to earn it. And no, wagging your finger in my face and moaning about bloody foreigners will not sway the outcome in your favour.
8. People who take that whole ‘ignorance is bliss’ thing in a disturbing direction. Why would any self-respecting person choose not to arm himself or herself with as much cerebral ammunition as possible? It just seems odd to always want to be the least informed person in any situation. Would you jump out of a plane without a parachute in the name of being cute? Ignorance is not bliss, knowledge is power.
9. Text message politics. I really miss the days when life wasn’t punctuated with the politics of text messaging. You simply saw or called each other to talk. The rules were much simpler that way. You didn’t have to agonise over sending a message that could not be retrieved, you could simply hang up the phone. I love texting, not sure how I ever lived without it, but it was so much more fun when things where less open to hours of overanalyses.
10. Jodie Foster. I was hard pressed to choose between Jodie Foster and Jessica Simpson for this prized spot, but then I was forced to remember that Jodie has been irritating me for far longer than Jessica, plus boldfaced Simpson’s name for any reason would just be wrong on so many levels. Poor Jodie, I have no idea what she did to bring my wrath crashing down on her so, but whenever I hear her say “Dr. Lecter” from behind that clenched jaw, I feel the urge to smash in the screen. A sign perhaps then that she irritates the shit out of me
1. Slow-mo pedestrians during rush hour. Whenever I get caught behind one of these people, I can feel the rage start to build within me till it comes to a slow boil and I have to physically restrain myself to stop from screaming ‘GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!’. Tough life having to commute in NYC.
2. Flagrant abuse of whipped cream. Since moving to New York, I have been forced to learn the hard way that when someone asks if you want whipped cream with something, the correct answer is always no. To reply otherwise will always result in the utter obliteration of whatever you are attempting to ingest. I tried being slick and asking for just a little whipped cream on my frappuccino, but apparently this translates to 1/10 coffee and a massive gushing fountain of whipped cream that cannot be controlled. Moral of the story: Just Say No.
3. Cultural snobs. I get really aggravated when people look down their noses and laugh knowingly as I pull out my copy of Harry Potter and settle in to read. They sit back with a smug expression on their faces giving me the ‘poor thing, she obviously doesn’t know any better’ look. For your information, I know more than enough not to deny my self the pleasure of reading or listening to just about anything that takes my fancy. I know just as much DH Lawrence as JK Rowling, so don’t feel sorry for me. I am enjoying myself a damn sight more than you are at this moment in time.
4. Smug Married Nigerian Women. I have nothing against married people, in fact I intend to join the ranks of the normal variety someday, but these are not the folks to whom I make reference. I am referring to those bizarre women who are not much older than me that walk into a room and survey the single girls with a pitying stare while clinging for dear the life to their husband’s arm as he proceeds to spend the whole evening with his eyes firmly glued to my derriere. Should I then be so foolish as to attempt to engage one of these insipid dishrags in conversation, she will invariably ask, “Are you engaged?” When I shake my head to indicate that I am not she will always come out with the words that she has been dying to say since she first walked in, “Don’t worry, just have patience and your time will come. One day maybe you will be as lucky as I am.” Thanks, but no thanks lovie….how about you keep your lecherous ogre and I’ll keep my lunch in my stomach? Cheers.
5. Men who take up half of my seat on the Subway. Anatomy or not, there is no reason to sit with your legs so far apart. You are practically in the lotus position for crying out loud, and the last time I checked the subway car does not double as your yoga mat. Coming to think of it, I noticed that your subway fare was exactly the same as mine not 50% higher.
6. Trousers that don’t talk to shoes. It was a tough call between this one and Visible Panty Line, but the trousers won out because I am not sure how anyone can fail to notice how diabolical this looks. Fair enough, it takes a two-way mirror for those who refuse to embrace the thong to understand the impact of that V staring at the whole world. But all you have to do with the trousers is look down. They are not even close to touching your shoes!! They are exposing white socks!!! Hello? Horrific! Plus VPL at least provides a source of entertainment; the trousers sadly just make me want to cry.
7. Rude waiters who get upset when my tip is paltry. I have moaned about this in the past, so no need to go into too much detail. I maintain that in my book, a tip has a zero beginning point and goes up depending on the level of service you provide. I tip excellently for excellent service, well for good and what is expected for mediocre. If I get very bad service from you and you are rude, then your tip will be paltry. If you want a good tip then don’t be rude. My money does not exist purely for the express purpose of paying your rent; you have to earn it. And no, wagging your finger in my face and moaning about bloody foreigners will not sway the outcome in your favour.
8. People who take that whole ‘ignorance is bliss’ thing in a disturbing direction. Why would any self-respecting person choose not to arm himself or herself with as much cerebral ammunition as possible? It just seems odd to always want to be the least informed person in any situation. Would you jump out of a plane without a parachute in the name of being cute? Ignorance is not bliss, knowledge is power.
9. Text message politics. I really miss the days when life wasn’t punctuated with the politics of text messaging. You simply saw or called each other to talk. The rules were much simpler that way. You didn’t have to agonise over sending a message that could not be retrieved, you could simply hang up the phone. I love texting, not sure how I ever lived without it, but it was so much more fun when things where less open to hours of overanalyses.
10. Jodie Foster. I was hard pressed to choose between Jodie Foster and Jessica Simpson for this prized spot, but then I was forced to remember that Jodie has been irritating me for far longer than Jessica, plus boldfaced Simpson’s name for any reason would just be wrong on so many levels. Poor Jodie, I have no idea what she did to bring my wrath crashing down on her so, but whenever I hear her say “Dr. Lecter” from behind that clenched jaw, I feel the urge to smash in the screen. A sign perhaps then that she irritates the shit out of me
Labels: 10 THINGS
posted by Monef at 5:04 PM
18 Comments:
Why feel obliged to tip if you have received bad service? It reminds me of some friends flocking to go to this restaurant that the waiters were renowned for their rudeness. Why oh why?
Smug Married Nigerian Women ...LOL.
Trousers that don’t talk to shoes - the ones wey dey fear ground (jump-up they call it back home)
Liked the post...
nr 5 hear hear
nr. 4 are there still pple that think they're better off coz they're coupled up? sad. very sad.
nr. 6 lmao
H'm. Let's see:
3. Don't pay these dumbasses no mind, look down on HP readers indeed! The nerve. This is fine fucking literature!
5. “Lotus position.” Hehehe!
7. I usually begin the other way 'round: I start at 15 per cent and subtract per “incident.”
10. Jodie Foster, really? Don't tell John Hinckley.
I feel your anger on the smug married women. They used to do it to me too. The irony isthat its mostly the ones whose husbands chase single girls the most that carry the smug married look and sneer to the highest level. I'm trying very hard not to rub it in anyone's face now I've crossed over too.
lol @ trousers that don't talk to shoes,that sight is usually very funny.
slow moving pedestrians annoy me and not only at rush hour,there are even some pple window shopping where people are meant to be walking,smh!
Great post- felt you on the slow mo pedestrians, smug naija wives and tipping points especially
Wow! First time on your blog, and I can totally relate to this post.....slow folks in NY...tell me abt it...and then y can't they stand on the freaking right on the escalators....pedestrians on the street, y oh y can they not move to the left or right, or even heck the road so I can pass, guys and others on the subway, folks are going to hate me on the subway, cos once I am on, and I see there is space if not for you opening your legs to eternity, I will ask you to move and squeeze into that space, don't care about the looks, I will have a seat! Smug married, 9ja women, I encounter this all too often especially at weddings and other functions, I thought it was bcos I wore English, but oh no, now I wear traditional and still is the same, ......whatever!
Alright, let me go, I will most def be back...
I loved the smug nigerian women one! that one touched my heart, i feel you girl mehn they can be irritating, looking at us singletons like we need divine intervention!!!!!
Anyway how are you doing, you rarely update your blog, i have been hunting it.
I am around your neighbourhood, not around per say but email me at :nvchathotmail.co.uk, would like to hear from you if that is ok with you
@morountodun - wonders will never cease to amaze me!! The problem is though, in most parts of the US not tipping at all is akin to a federal crime!
@ababoy - Jump-up!! LOL
@everyone who feels me on the Smug Married Womed tip, thank God I'm not alone with that one!!
@Fred - Hell yeah..boo to all the HP phobes. If I subtracted for every incident from half the waiters in these parts, I'd end up asking for a refund....hey, theres an idea!
Hey Monef, sorry, just checking my blog, yep its the right one. holla anytime.
Hope your ok
4,5 and 6 are the funiest stuff (i think)iv ever heard in my life!!!lol!!!ridiculous!!!
Jodie Foster? That's an odd choice because she can actually act. So I don't watch horror and haven't seen the movie you mentioned, but I know she's far better than Jessica Simpson. Or Paris Hilton dear God.
Very hilarious........l would be stopping by ur post from time to time. Very funny on smug Nigerian women and shoes that don't talk to trousers.lol
Concerning the waitress thingy.......l really can't say much knowing l wait tables. Just be nice to ur waiter/waitress and the best service will follow. Well, many waiter/waitress hate serving Africans/black people knowing well they don't tip. Read my naijawaitressrant blog to understand some things about the restaurant industry. Maybe, you see things different. Cheers.
@yankeenaijachick - No disrespect to your profession and all, but it is the service industry so as far as I am concerned it should be the other way round. My waiter/waitress should be nice and polite to me, and a good tip will follow. It is the job of the waiter/waitress to provide the best service possible, the tip is the icing on their cake. Anyone who does not feel able to cope in a service related position is not suited to working in the business. I have quite intimate knowledge of the business (tons of friends work in it. As to this generalisation about blacks not tipping, I really don't care. As a paying customer, I expect to be served at the same level of service that would be bestowed on anyone else. My tip will always reflect the level of service I have received.
Update please!
Good Job! :)
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