The Elephant in the room
Being based in New York City, I'm sure you are all expecting the obligatory St. Patrick's Day post....complete with pictures of green beer and shamrock. That's not really my style though, I'd rather talk about something that has been bothering me for a little while. Anyone who knows me well will agree that it's only very rarely that I am speechless, but this is strangely one of those times.
I've often wondered how I would react if I found myself in my current situation, and I have to admit that the outcome is surprising. I grew up hearing about domestic violence as one of thestarnge things that crazy people did. It never occured to me that it was happening all around me on a regular basis. This is because within Nigerian culture there is often so much blurring of the lines, you don't always realise when behaviour crosses into the realm of abusiveness. I can recall standing outside a nightclub in London, seeing one of my acquaintances slap a mutual female friend across the face. More vivid however is the recollection that the boys present were congratulating him for silencing here. She doesn't know her levels, they said. She has too much mouth, they said.
My next most memorable encounter was my 21st birthday party. A guy I used to be friends with (he was also my ex-boyfriend's best friend)came to the party with his girlfriend. They had recently reconciled after being seperated for a while, and all seemed well with them. It was much to my shock and horror that a few hours into the party they began to have a huge fight which ended with him slapping her three times, giving her a bloody eye and a swollen face. I was outraged on her behalf, and horrified when my then boyfriend attempted to suggest that I should not intervene. I did what I thought was right and kicked him out, only to have the girl start crying "where is he going to go? Will he be alright?" As if I cared! She then chased after him, and in their twisted little fantasy, I became the bad guy.
That was a bitter pill to swallow, but I have since learnt my lesson. Imagine my surprise then, to find that here again in New York. As before, the current victim is well-educated with loving and supportive parents and a good network of friends to turn to, but still.......she allows him to treat her like this. I do not understand. My first encounter with his maniacal behaviour came about when she turned up at work with a black eye and fat lip. I asked her what had happened, fearing the worst( a mugging of some sort). She told me very matter of factly that she had upset her boyfriend (who also happens to be the father of her 2-year old child) so he punched her. I was very surprised that this would be taking place so I asked her about the child's safety, and her response had me in shock. She said "Oh she is too young to notice, and by the time she gets a little older, I won't be with him anymore." I have since been horrifed by the constant balck eyes, fat lips and horror stories. However it is definitely common knowledge that this is going on, and her closest friend clearly have no intention of doing anything about it. I had a long chat with her before christmas, telling her how I knew she could do so much better than that for both herself and her daughter and how she needed to get out. She agreed with me, and told me that she was plotting her move anyday now. I went away feeling certain that I had done my best. I spoke to her just a couple of weeks ago and found out that she is pregnant...again!!
I no longer know what to say or do. Everytime I see or speak to her it is like this massive elephant in the room. I sometimes wish I could be like her other friends and turn away, pretend I don't notice and say nothing. But that just isn't in my nature. I'm a mouthy little biatch...and I can't help it. If you are reading this, I want you to know how much I love you. But this cannot go on. I will not pretend that all is well while you hide your bruises under make-up. You have such a huge support system unlike several other women in your situation. My door is open to you anytime of the day or night. Call me.
I've often wondered how I would react if I found myself in my current situation, and I have to admit that the outcome is surprising. I grew up hearing about domestic violence as one of thestarnge things that crazy people did. It never occured to me that it was happening all around me on a regular basis. This is because within Nigerian culture there is often so much blurring of the lines, you don't always realise when behaviour crosses into the realm of abusiveness. I can recall standing outside a nightclub in London, seeing one of my acquaintances slap a mutual female friend across the face. More vivid however is the recollection that the boys present were congratulating him for silencing here. She doesn't know her levels, they said. She has too much mouth, they said.
My next most memorable encounter was my 21st birthday party. A guy I used to be friends with (he was also my ex-boyfriend's best friend)came to the party with his girlfriend. They had recently reconciled after being seperated for a while, and all seemed well with them. It was much to my shock and horror that a few hours into the party they began to have a huge fight which ended with him slapping her three times, giving her a bloody eye and a swollen face. I was outraged on her behalf, and horrified when my then boyfriend attempted to suggest that I should not intervene. I did what I thought was right and kicked him out, only to have the girl start crying "where is he going to go? Will he be alright?" As if I cared! She then chased after him, and in their twisted little fantasy, I became the bad guy.
That was a bitter pill to swallow, but I have since learnt my lesson. Imagine my surprise then, to find that here again in New York. As before, the current victim is well-educated with loving and supportive parents and a good network of friends to turn to, but still.......she allows him to treat her like this. I do not understand. My first encounter with his maniacal behaviour came about when she turned up at work with a black eye and fat lip. I asked her what had happened, fearing the worst( a mugging of some sort). She told me very matter of factly that she had upset her boyfriend (who also happens to be the father of her 2-year old child) so he punched her. I was very surprised that this would be taking place so I asked her about the child's safety, and her response had me in shock. She said "Oh she is too young to notice, and by the time she gets a little older, I won't be with him anymore." I have since been horrifed by the constant balck eyes, fat lips and horror stories. However it is definitely common knowledge that this is going on, and her closest friend clearly have no intention of doing anything about it. I had a long chat with her before christmas, telling her how I knew she could do so much better than that for both herself and her daughter and how she needed to get out. She agreed with me, and told me that she was plotting her move anyday now. I went away feeling certain that I had done my best. I spoke to her just a couple of weeks ago and found out that she is pregnant...again!!
I no longer know what to say or do. Everytime I see or speak to her it is like this massive elephant in the room. I sometimes wish I could be like her other friends and turn away, pretend I don't notice and say nothing. But that just isn't in my nature. I'm a mouthy little biatch...and I can't help it. If you are reading this, I want you to know how much I love you. But this cannot go on. I will not pretend that all is well while you hide your bruises under make-up. You have such a huge support system unlike several other women in your situation. My door is open to you anytime of the day or night. Call me.
posted by Monef at 6:00 PM
3 Comments:
Let your friend know that research confirms that children who grow up where there is domestic violence, there is also sexual abuse of children. Your friend needs to get out, if not for herself, then for her children.
Dolance
Please monef, you told her that you are there for her, so the only thing you can do in this situation is just watch and give your support.
Mehn things like this piss me off real bad, domestic violence, na man i donot condone it and drives me up the wall.
Anyway just stay strong for your friend....
women...you can never understand them. but wait, i think i do.
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